I'm 6'3" … and, no, I don't play basketball

"Stand up straight," my mom would tell me, pulling my shoulders back.

It was a phrase I heard quite often growing up. But my poor posture didn't stem from laziness. It was the result of insecurity.

With a 6-foot-tall mom and a 6-foot-4-inch dad, it was a given I'd be tall. By the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was 6-foot-2, taller than almost every one of my peers. I would wear flats and pop my hip or even bend slightly at the knees while standing in groups of my much-shorter friends. I thought even if I was just 1 or 2 inches shorter, I would fit in that much more.

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Some people seem to think that I have got all the dating experience in the world when it comes to tall women.

Well, you may not be totally wrong but I have met a lot more women online than in real life so far and therefore the term "dating" is slightly misleading...

I think t(all) ladies are generally impressed when a man is romantic and wears his heart on his sleeve. They may not admit it but even tall ladies are usually looking for a guy who can take care of them, someone they can "look up to". I don't mean the "look up to" in the strictest sense of the term, obviously. What I mean is: they are normal women with the needs every woman has. They will enjoy it if you open the door for them, they will be impressed if you pull the chair out for them etc.

There has been one main criticism directed towards American men: they don't look after themselves very much but want a girlfriend who has got model-looks but is still prepared to stay home to look after the household, maybe even the kids. Gentlemen, if you want a beautiful, confident tall girlfriend you can't expect that from her. A confident tall woman is a beautiful woman, a confident woman tends to be a successful woman who doesn't necessarily make it her prime target to please and look after you when you come home from work. Maybe she's also got a good job that pays well. Maybe she's been in other relationships where her ex has been a lazy bum. Maybe that's why she's wary of getting into another destructive relationship like that.

Women want to get pampered - and I don't mean financially. Small pressies do wonders and you don't have to spend loads of cash to do that. Little things often do the trick. Bring home a single rose and a bottle of bubbly and see where it takes you. Why not prepare dinner for her if she's been out working all day.

Be expectant - of yourself. Why does she have to look sexy all the time if you can't be bothered? When was the last time you made an effort for a woman?

We may not like it but we don't automatically find girlfriends just because we stare at them drooling. In a lot of cases a lady has been disappointed by another man. They want to be reassured. They want assurances that this time it will work out alright. Are you man enough, are you committed enough to the woman you fancy to give these assurances?

There are a lot of (American) women out there I know who are overweight. It's a cultural problem as we all know... the diet of Americans has to improve and soon. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. When was the last time you looked into the mirror? Are you a stallion with the physique of a Greek god or are you a wobbly couch-potato who (and I like beer too) mainly sits on his butt drinking gallons of Bud?

Yes, that's exactly the point I'm trying to make. You're not exactly looking like Brad Pitt, right? So - why do you insist on finding a girlfriend who's got the physique and the looks of Cindy Crawford or Amy Acuff?

Keep your eyes open. You may come across (tall) women who don't seem "perfect" immediately. Chat them up, talk to them, find out more about them and decide then. Give it a few weeks, months even... give her you undivided attention. You may discover a real gem there. All it takes is a closer look. Trust me - I know!

Karlie Kloss is one of the top supermodels in the world

• She has been talking about fashion for women her height
• Karlie has given some of her top tips for tall girls

It is fair to say that most of the women in the world love shoes and some women have shoes with ridiculously big heels on them. However, there are plenty of tall women in the world who struggle with big heels on their shoes, as they all tower above many guys in the world and can sometimes feel awkward.

Well, the gorgeous Karlie Kloss is one of the top supermodels on the planet and she has had to deal with being a tall woman for many years now. Karlie has admitted that she prefers not to wear heels as she is very tall already, so she has given some of her top tips to the taller women in the world.

Kloss explained, "I feel like I can conquer the world in a pair of flats. I think I would look like a crazy woman walking around N.Y.C. in heels since I'm 6'1″ and 6'4″ in heels. Plus, I take the subway, so I'd stand out even more! I love being super-tall because I can wear flats on the red carpet. I'm also always running around in sneakers. I probably have at least 50 pairs. Like I love wearing high-waisted trousers to make my legs look even longer."

She added, "And I get to wear amazing gowns at a runway show that nobody else could pull off because it's so long. I definitely do not look good in something that's too short. Everything gets shorter on me! There are definitely upsides to it. If you're really tall, I think you should own it. I think it's great to find what makes you different and accentuate it, and use them to stand out even more."

So, there you have it. If you are a taller woman and are keen to try some things a bit different, then why not take these great tips from Karlie Kloss and adapt them for your own lifestyle.

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My 6'2 1/2" friend Kim Glass (who is also listed in the Famous Tall Ladies section) has just created a new website which includes a blog. Kim won an Olympic silver medal with the US ladies volleyball team in Beijing and is a great role model.

This was taken off her website because she can tell you about herself better than I ever could:

At the age of 17, Kim was the number 2 recruit in the country, and was named the 2001 Pennsylvania State Gatorade Player of the year. Kim attended the University of Arizona, where she became the 2002 National Freshman of the year, and became the first Wildcat to record 2,000 kills. She still holds the records for aces and kills, as well as many other records in categories amongst the now, Pac-12, (formerly the pac-10). In 2010, she was inducted into the University of Arizona Hall of Fame. In 2015 Kim was inducted into the Pac-12 All Century Team.

After leaving college, Kim played professionally for nine years, & lived in eight different countries, including Italy, Puerto Rico, Turkey, Russia, Czech Republic, Azerbaijan, China, & Brasil. Amidst her professional career, she competed in the 2008 Beijing Games as the youngest player on the team, and became a U.S. women’s Indoor Volleyball Olympic Silver Medalist.

Combating disc herniations and a desire to move on, she retired from volleyball in 2014. Intrigued with the body and her love for health & wellness, in addition to wanting to learn and educate people on how to prevent injuries, she made the transition into the fitness industry in 2015. Jump starting her personal training career w/ her Nasm certification at Equinox and being the “female in-house” trainer at Easton Gym Co. in Manhattan Beach, she relocated to Unbreakable Performance Center where she’s coached a wide range of clients from professional athletes to Hollywood elite. She often went on the road with her clients to ensure their fitness needs were being handled and to keep consistency in training.

In 2011, Kim was featured in the famed Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, as well as ESPN’s The Body Issue. She continues to work as a model within the fitness and fashion world.

In 2016, she joined the cast of MTV’s The Challenge: Champs vs. Stars, to help raise funds for Covenant House, a non-profit homeless youth shelter, in Los Angeles.

Kim is a trainer, model, television personality, motivational speaker, philanthropist, and entrepreneur. She strives to improve the lives of everyone she meets through her knowledge, experience, and her highly energetic approach to training and coaching.

Visit Kim's website, her Instagram page and read this excellent FHM piece

"Helena has always avoid wearing high heels because everybody told her that she was too tall anyway. Then she tried on a pair of Louboutins and doesn't want to take them off". I found this quote on Facebook and shared it immediately because I could sympathise.

I know this from my youth

Somehow it reminds me of my past... and it reminds me of other tall gals und women I know. I noticed that I am not the only one because there was a lot of agreement. It's probably got something to do the fact that a lot of tall women were lacking self-confidence when they were young... and some are still lacking it today and are not at peace with their height. Why is that so? What can I say? When you as a child are approached aggressively by adults who claim you are too old to be in Mum's arms... or are generally treated like a much older child you suffer to a degree. It's not productive.

When you are taller than your teacher at elementary school and your feet are big enough for you to wear Mum's shoes it's party funny - but not all the time. Tall always meant that you had to behave "older", more sensible, more grown up. Teacher's treated what your achievements as not worth mentioning whereas the smaller, cuter kids enjoyed all kinds of protection and received a lot of praise.

Clothing - a pain in the backside

When you are tall you stand out. Especially when you are surrounded by short and tender people - and you feel it even more. Don't get me started on boys. They often just reached your belly button and because of societal norms you rarely felt at ease around shorter guys. Another important factor that makes life difficult for tall girls is the fashion industry. Every woman knows what it's like to wear something beautiful and sexy. She feels desirable, beautiful and, of course confident. I know it's not only tall women who have problems finding clothes that fit but pants that are too short can't be easily lengthened and the "I'm a little too cuddly here" or "too small there" problems others have just add to the dilemma.

I'm really pleased that tops have become longer (especially the sleeves). Even when shorter clothes were fashionable they were always a little too short on me. They weren't exactly comfortable and - considering my physique - they didn't look too good on me. Apart from the length of tops their cut often caused me problems as well. And when I was recently complimented on wearing a "great top" I had to laugh while thanking the person. It was - and many of you may know it - actually a dress... but short enough to fit like a top.

The topic: shoes

Even worse are the problems tall women encounter when looking for shoes that are large enough. Ever since I was a teenager I had a love-hate relationship with shoes. You wanted to love them but in fact you hated them since you couldn't find a nice pair that you really liked. I could never find a nice pair of shoes when I wanted to go dancing as a teen. Sure, you could find shoes in your size but they looked like your granny would wear them. And you would never feel comfortable when wearing them. My Mum once bought me a pair of shiny men's shoes with a buckle which I wore with my dress. You can imagine that I didn't enjoy putting them on. And I didn't wear them very often either.

You may say that is not really ideal but then tall women stand out positively... and are pretty much treated like goddesses. And how many short women would love to be tall and want to stand out from the crowd. Indeed, that is the case. But first you need to realize that there are positive aspects to being tall. After all you have mainly experienced the negatives. You need to enjoy standing out and not think "Oh no. Everyone is watching me because I'm not normal but trampling along like a giant."

We need to be comfortable in our skins

How does this work? When we feel good... when we wear the clothes we like. When we can find feminine shoes that are fitting for the occassion, suit our type and our mood. I often talk to women in my store who never wore a pair of beautiful women's shoes before. Their faces light up, they start smiling. They feel like a different person. Beautiful shoes are a symbol for femininity and add to your self-confidence. That way women can finally get past comments like "Wow, she is huge. Is that a guy?" and finally clearly hear compliments like "Wow, what a woman!".

So love yourselves the way you are... don't allow society or the fashion industry to bring you down. Embrace being different and make it a positive in your life. We are grand.

About the author: Sarah Brabender lives in Essen, Germany, is 6'1 1/2" and is the owner of the recommended footwear store Schuhe Grossartig

Sealed With A Kiss Designs

6'5" Barbara writes: "I bought a dress from this site and I am very pleased. They have plus size tops, bottoms and dresses for every situation. I know how difficult it was for my 6'5" to find a dress."

We offer trendy plus size fashion at accessible prices.We believe fashion should be fun & affordable! Show off your natural assets & rock your wardrobe with quality pieces that won’t break your budget.

Mission

It's our mission to bring women like you trendy and affordable plus size clothing. Point blank. Why? Because we feel that fashion should be fun and it should be accessible. Sealed With a Kiss Designs is our way of giving you access to trendy, affordable clothing without the hassle of malls and with reassurance that, YES, cute clothes do come in your size!

Company Overview

Lets make this clear: Cute and trendy clothes shouldn’t need to cost an arm and a leg in order to make it into a gals closet. Being a size 14+ doesn’t mean you automatically have a ton of disposable income on hand to keep yourself looking fierce, fashion forward and ready to conquer the world. If you are like me you want to wear the latest styles (which, lets face it, are still hard to find if you’re plus size) without having to commit large portions of your paycheck.

Visit their website

Tall student bullied over her height reveals how she beat haters after years of hunching to appear more ladylike

Tamara Alireza, 34, used to be terrified of wearing high heels, but now she embraces her lofty physique

By Anthony Harvison
16:44, 31 AUG 2018
UPDATED 16:46, 31 AUG 2018

As a 13-year-old schoolgirl, Tamara Alireza stood head and shoulders above her classmates. At 6ft 1ins, she towered over the teachers, too. But while most teenagers would love to add a few inches to their frame, Tamara found herself the target of school bullies who tormented her for being tall. Despite her sporty stature, she was made to feel small and picked on for being 'different'. Tamara spent her informative years struggling to fit in and doing everything possible to look shorter and more "lady-like". She avoided being photographed and even walked hunched-over to conceal her true height. High heels were a definite no-no. Now aged 34, Tamara stands proud at 6ft 2ins – or a leggy 6ft 7ins in her favourite heels.

Not only has she embraced her enviable physique but has used it to her advantage as an accomplished children's author and anti-bullying campaigner. She looks down her nose at bullies and uses her own experiences to help youngsters nationwide. "They say the worst thing about being different is that you become a moving target for bullies. Unfortunately for me, I was a moving target they literally couldn't miss," Tamara said. "But it wasn't just the bullies who were making my life difficult. Society, generally, made me feel unwelcome. The bullies were a reflection of the times. "Fast-forward a few years and I came to love my body and myself. I realised that everyone is different, and that diversity needs to be cherished, nurtured and celebrated – not ostracised." She added: "We are all different and we are all equal."

Last year, shocking figures published by the Anti-Bullying Alliance revealed that more than half of children aged between eight and 16 worried about being 'different'. Of these, 40 per cent admitted they would "hide" or "change aspects of themselves" to avoid being bullied. Worryingly, more than a third (36 per cent) of those questioned thought that teachers did not do enough to educate pupils about what to do if they became victims. Tamara is among those who experienced bullying first-hand. As a child, she was tall for her age. But a growth spurt in her early teens meant she would tower over her peers – and her family - into adulthood. It left her self-conscious and at the mercy of cruel classmates, whose jibes compounded her lack of confidence. "When my friends all started wearing high-heels and make-up, I wore the flattest-soled shoes I could find so that I would fit in," she said.

Her height also made everyday tasks challenging. She found buying clothes – and especially dresses – "almost impossible". She was also forced to wear men's shoes because women's sizes rarely accommodated her size 10.5 feet. And the prospect of being photographed with pals was "particularly unappealing". Instead, she would sit in the front or stoop over. Dating was, she says, "not at all easy". "I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, it's that simple," she added. But by her mid-20s, Tamara finally came to terms with her height. Today, Tamara has no problems with being one of the tallest students at Royal Imperial College, London, where she has been studying for a PhD in neuroscience specialising in Parkinson's disease. She has used her own experiences to help others – most notably her nephew who was relentlessly bullied at school.

Her latest book, Steiny's Rhapsody , tells the inspirational story of a grand piano in a music store who suffers at the hands of the other instruments.

Steiny, like Tamara, eventually learns to love himself.

Tamara added: "Society is changing and, in time, so will people's attitudes to bullying. In the meantime, we all need to love the skin we're in – and refuse to cower down to the bullies."

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What is it like being exceptionally tall?

People exceptionally tall only, 6' 2" (1.88 m) is a normal height in Netherlands. [6'7" = 2.00 m]

Dawniece's Answer

Dawniece Trumbo, 6'2" creative extraordinaire, fine artist, teacher, stylist & reinvention queen (and Tall Woman of the Month for February 2008)

First, I love this question, but there aren't many female responses. So, I'm adding my experience to the bucket.

Second, this is my first Quora posting, so I am super excited (finally something I am well versed in). Please be nice!

My 31 years have been interesting to say the least. Barefoot with a fresh blowout, I stand at a solid 6'2"...which, I believe, places me in the top .005% of women's height. Now, tack on the fact that I am also African American, a raging extrovert, living in the middle of Iowa, with a love for heels and big hair…

Let's just say, I wasn't created to blend in.

And I never know what attribute to attribute all the stares (see what I did there, hehehe).

I'll try not to rehash prior answers too much, but if I do, I'll try to share some unique anecdotes.

1. It's one thing to be tall, it's another to be proportioned funny and tall. I have extremely long legs, arms, fingers, and feet (they'd be appropriate for someone 6'5"). However, my torso is wee...like the bottom of my ribcage and the top of my hips are one finger space away from touching. Oh, and apparently, my head's big.

This fact has made for some interesting clothing experiences, especially when I was young. I was made fun of for wearing high-waters (I was sheltered, I didn't understand jean length etiquette). I wore petite tops, until I figured out they exaggerated my proportions. And cutesy matching sets were a fail all around (unless I was trying to make it a capri and 3/4 sleeve fix).

Now I just bite the bullet, order stuff online and wish for the best. Though my adult default is pretty dresses, fabulous shawls, and boots to hide the short pants.

2. Everyone (grown men in particular) thought I was older than I was. I was a tall kid (almost 6' by 8th grade), and because of this, I was forced off of the age-appropriate softball team, I was given way more responsibility than I was ready for, I was continually mistaken for a boy in middle school, and I was constantly hit on by grown men when I was still a pre-teen (even being underdeveloped with a baby face). My youth was traumatizing, especially since I was a sensitive and super self-conscious kid (I just wanted to be smart and personable).

3. People can’t help but strike up conversation...even if I’m trying to be low-key and invisible (not possible). Always, “how tall are you”, “I wish I had some of your height”, “I’m jealous, you can eat whatever you like” (lies!), “did you play basketball/volleyball/sports?” (I was awful! Super uncoordinated until college), “are you an athlete at ____ college?” (I’m almost 10 years removed from that age range, but thanks!), “do you model?” (I’m actually too tall and too big to pull that off mainstream, but thanks!)…and, my current fave, “are you a power lifter” (Hahahaha!!!)

4. I am constantly told that I am intimidating, and when I walk in a room I await "the size up" (watches me walk in, looks up to the top of my head, looks down to check for heels, then looks up again with slack jawed disbelief) from strangers.

5. Regular tall guys (6’-6’4”) tend to respond the strangest...especially if I'm in heels. I've had some of the oddest interactions with complete strangers in that height range. I think I must throw them off a bit. Here’s a handful of tales:
There is the tendency for guys to walk up to me, stand a little straighter, and randomly yell out a height...like we’re playing some amusement park guessing game. (Not sure how that is normal behavior.)

Then there is online dating, where I clearly state how tall I am...but once they arrive to the date, they tell me that they thought I was joking (why would I make that up?), or will literally argue with me until I have someone take a photo and show them that I am not as giant as they think. (Apparently, no one understands how tall a 6'2" woman really is, until they meet one.)

In grad school, I was challenged at a house party. The host didn't believe I was only 6'1.5" (I gained a half inch when I was 27, thanks Pilates), so he stopped the music and had an attendee measure us in the middle of the get together. I was right...and his ego inch came crashing down in the form of a tantrum (apparently his coaches lied to him).

One evening I, unfortunately, met the acquaintance of a bodyguard for 50 Cent who ran his hand over my throat to see if I had an Adam's apple, while we were debating over a TV channel in the hotel bar.

And then there are the inappropriate pick-up lines: "We'll aren't you a tall drink of chocolate milk", "I'll climb that tree", "Mmmm, I like ‘em tall", etc. (Seriously, who does that work on?) I could go on and on...but I won't.

6. Tallish ladies are interesting bunch too. I call them "cute tall" girls (5'7" - 5'11" - tall enough to catch attention, but not tall enough to incite intimidation). A lot of the time, a "cute tall" will come over to me and relay how excited they are to not be the tallest girl in the room; or how they were the tall girl growing up; or how they are used to being the tallest one all the time; or how they "feel short", etc. I just try to withhold my eye roll.

But when I meet a truly tall sistren (any woman >6’), we form an immediate connection in acknowledgement of “the struggle”. Though I will admit a pang of territorialism when a guy or a girl 6’5” or taller enters the same room I am in (I’m supposed to be the tallest person in this room!). *Cue “cute tall” hypocrisy*

7. I’ll end this list on lucky #7. Being tall and working in corporate America is a win. Half of the BS I hear my female friends go through seems crazy to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been outright disrespected by chauvinists and dudes with a Napoleon complex – but I know that when I see it. The subversive and passive sexism or the catty woman-on-woman bouts are almost unheard of in my personal experience. I chalk it up to looking like I won’t take any sh*t…which is true. Positively though, I stand out without trying, and that’s a plus when you’re on your networking and ladder climbing grind.

So overall, I love being tall and wouldn’t trade it for anything. Sure, my lower back hurts sometime, and nothing is built for my stature, and I can’t wear vintage, and I encounter many low-confidence dudes. BUT I receive effortless attention, and I’ve learned to wield it to my benefit.

**Update 10/1/15**
Oh my gosh! Quora Peeps, you guys are awesome!!! Thank you for welcoming me with open arms!!! Woot!!!

**Update 10/4/15**
A photo was requested to put my height into perspective. Here you go:

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Average height folks will never understand the struggle tall people face when trying to find stylish clothes that fit well. We won't even discuss the added headache of looking for items with ample fashion flair. Yeah, it's hard out here for a tall chick. But have no worries, tall darlings. We're here to guide you on your journey to immaculate style. Here's what to wear if you're tall. Your essential fashion rules await...When you're tall, sometimes shopping can be a pain in the ass (so much for retail therapy, huh?). In at least several of your shopping jaunts, you've probably come across an amazing top with sleeves that just weren't long enough. Or how about those times you tried on a pair of must-have pants that looked like they must've shrunk in the dryer? In a word: frustrating.

But don't be deterred from purchasing the wardrobe of your dreams. Instead, go in armed with knowledge of what clothes work best for your height and get styling yourself like a pro.

Need a little help? We're at your service. Here's what to wear if you're tall.

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Why Are You Still Rejecting Short Guys?

Tracy Moore

Lots of hetero people are hung up on height when it comes to dating. Men, it is assumed, are supposed to be slightly taller than women (average heights in America differ by 5 1/2 inches). They are supposed to, in turn, be big and strong; women are then supposed to be dainty and petite. In the dating process, men and women both perpetuate this notion by eliminating people who won’t help them achieve the status quo visual. But what is to be done?

At the Independent, a woman has written an essay saying that women who won’t date shorter men are as bad as men who won’t date fat women—maybe even worse, because you can at least change your weight but not your height. Charlotte Gill argues that she feels sorry for short men and wants to make a stand for them. It has somehow become perfectly OK, she argues, for women to disparage the short man in public and rule them out on height alone as a romantic prospect. As a result, shorter men are discriminated against on the dating market. They have more trouble getting dates online than taller men, who have been shown in studies to receive more messages.

Gill’s ultimate point is that these women are shallow, which is ironic to her because, as she sees it, women sure do expect men to forgive their many violations of the aesthetic social code.

Gill writes:

But what especially vexes me is this double standard of women criticising and making fun of short men, then expecting them to tolerate all different types of weight (which isn’t even a fixed state). For a man to openly reject a woman because he found her fat would be social suicide.

Yet for women to complain about a man’s height is fine, apparently. Hilarious, even. (And they call us the fairer sex…)

It’s not really ok, though, is it? Any more than telling your friends you dismissed someone because they had black hair, or small tits, or anything else that is, undeniably, genetics. And that is, actually, not that big a deal.

The thing is—it is OK to reject people for dumb reasons, or, at least, it’s better to do that than to lie to yourself and that other person about what you want. To begin with: who has the right to tell anyone what their personal criteria for dating can or should be? Moreover, I think that A) men openly reject women for being fat all the time by never dating them in the first place, and B) women are, yes, just as picky, but it’s fine. When it comes to dating, nearly everyone is some form of Garbage Pail Kid somewhere in there. The question is what specifically hideous Garbage Pail flavor. What I’m saying is that we are all dumb, and no one type of physical preference or repulsion is in the abstract better or worse than another—if some preferences, of course, do carry much more social connotation and weight.

So Gill’s not wrong in asking us to stop reflexively falling on someone else’s idea of what a couple should look like, and on this topic, she’s not alone. Recently, writer Ann Friedman put out a call at Esquire for men to date taller women, and for women to date shorter men, because dating is ostensibly about widening your potential pool of prospects, and ruling out people on height alone is bullshit. It’s one thing to have a stated preference for a beard or hair color, she says, but online, people tend to actually filter out everybody who doesn’t meet a certain height criteria, which makes it a “sweeping prejudice masquerading as sexual preference.” This is because, she argues, women have internalized a message about having to be smaller.

Friedman wrote:

To be bigger than men is to worry that you’ll turn them off. Webb found that it isn’t just men lying about their height online, women do, too—to appear shorter. (With good cause: Women over six feet receive forty percent fewer messages on OkCupid than their 5’4” counterparts.) Ask any super-tall woman about her dateless teenage years and the number of times a well-meaning adult said to her, “The boys are just intimidated by you.” Taller is mannish. Taller is… weird.

It is regarded as weird to be a taller than average woman—I can attest. Growing up pale, “too thin” and taller (5’11) than most dudes in the short, tan, blonde hair, big tits worshipping South was not a cakewalk in the boyfriend getting department. Barring a couple exceptions, it wasn’t until I hit college that guys my own age even noticed me, much less approached me with any indication that being taller was actually part of the attraction.

I always equated being taller with being less feminine, although I never actually went the other way with it by insisting on boyfriends being taller than me; most of them were shorter because most men are shorter than me. Had I refused to date men who were shorter, I’d have hardly dated at all.

But this is where I get confused, because whenever we try to politicize attraction to certain physical traits rather than other physical traits, it gets tricky. When talking with someone about their preferences, particularly when they “happen” to be culturally condoned preferences, people tend to get defensive.

Hey, can’t people just be attracted to whatever they like, they argue. Is it really discrimination to prefer a man who is tall, dark, or handsome to a man who is short, pale, and just OK-looking? Alternately, is it really so wrong to want a woman with blonde hair and big tits versus one with brown hair and smaller ones? Is it even shallow, especially when physical attraction is a necessary component of any lasting romantic endeavor? You can’t help attraction! I just like what I like!

Furthermore, what—are we supposed to right social evils through dating more inclusively? Is that anyone’s job? And can you differentiate what you like from what society gives you, not by your own choice, but through chance and circumstance and pattern? Take me, for example: Am I attracted to shorter men because that’s just “what I like,” or is it possible that my so-called deviant height status guided me to consider personality or faces as much or more than heights? Is it possible that likewise, I attracted people who did the same—either liked me for my height or they liked me in spite of it, because they too felt outside conventional norms as well.

Maybe I just got lucky and happened to like shorter men and simultaneously needed to like shorter men. Had I been a shorter, tanner, bigger-titted blonde-haired version of myself, what might I “like” in men? Tall, dark, handsome athletic types? Wish I could find out, but I can’t.

Here’s the thing: On some level we are all shallow when it comes to dating, and that’s nothing to apologize for because it’s how it works. We all like what we like. Attraction is sometimes something that forms out of a lifetime of exposure to one thing or another, the familiar or the novel. Sometimes what you like is inexplicable even to you, but it has a pull on you regardless. It’s all so arbitrary, so specific to the situations and relationships that shape us, the images we all see and embrace or reject.

But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t question it or even go against it on purpose. You can and perhaps should choose to consider another type outside what you like before you think about it. Awareness in most things is typically a good thing, if for no other reason than that it expands your options. Dating is no exception.

This has happened to me by virtue of moving out of the region I grew up in. I’m from an extremely homogenous place with that’s largely white people of European heritage. Moving to Los Angeles has opened my eyes to so much, but on the most shallow level, I have begun to find people attractive from an astonishing variety of cultures I’d never been exposed to before, whether it’s longhaired Filipino hesher dudes on skateboards or sun-baked surfer beefcakes. Before I lived here, I couldn’t have included these traits on any short list of what I “like,” because I’d never been exposed to them. I had a frankly generic idea of what was “hot” that I then revised, happily, with all the new examples of beauty I’d see.

So the answer here then is not to shame anyone’s preferences—most of us come by them honestly—and certainly not to enter them into an Olympics of egregiousness. No shame if your tastes run to the conventional. But in the same way some of us like to examine our privileges and biases, we could also consider why our attractions are what they are, and what forces have shaped them, and simply let ourselves open to other kinds of allure.

It’s kind of like falling in love with someone at work you might’ve never chosen from a lineup of potential dates, but whom you end up being drawn to because you got to know them, be around them, and weren’t so focused on the physical. When you’re willing to suspend your more reflexive assumptions, you can be opened up to so much more, short or tall, in any direction it takes you.

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